“Welcome to The Living Women’s Shopping, Shopping, Shopping and Beauty All the Time Network’s episode of ‘Replenish and Rejuvenate,’ with your hosts, Vera and Aloe.”

“Good morning! Aloe, I can’t tell you how refreshed I feel after my restful night and a soothing yet invigorating shower this morning!”

“Vera, I can SO tell! Your skin is looking positively radiant—glowing; bright! Either you’ve come into contact with some radioactive material or you’ve been exfoliating!”

“Well, Aloe, last night I was feeling strictly dullsville—”

“‘Dullsville,’ Vera? Going retro, eh? Was Moondoggie around, and did you all get down to some groovy beats from the electric prunes?”

“Aloe, why are you being so hostile? I was just quoting the label of my wonderful new age-erasing skin polisher—”

“Polisher? Is your skin a floor, Vera? Do you want it shiny?”

“Uh... well… you could say that your skin is the foundation of beauty, so yes, in a way, it is a floor… and this new skin polisher, with mango, apricot and papaya essences—”

“Mango, apricot and papaya? Good heavens, are you washing your face or making a rum drink? And ‘essences’? What the heck is an ‘essence’ anyway? Is it, like, ‘essentials?’ I have this product with ‘essential’ oils. Made me wonder which oils are essential anyway, and for what? Essential for life? For the existence of the item, the product? Are these essences the same as ‘essentials,’ or something else?”

“Aloe, please! This wonderful product actually dissolves away ragged skin cells—gobbles them up, leaving your skin reflecting light youthfully and innocently!”

“Vera, did you just say that this product dissolves your skin and EATS it? Is that really what you said?”

“Dead, ragged skin cells, Aloe, you know—the ones that make you look old.”

“Old? Isn’t the loss of collagen and fat layers under the skin what makes you look old? Does scraping off the top layers of skin really make that much difference?”

“Well, Aloe, it’s like a chemical peel, exposing the new, fresh skin underneath.”

“Right, by eating the skin on top. I wonder how it knows when to stop eating before it gets down to the muscle layers? I mean, isn’t that what flesh-eating bacteria do? Do we really want to put that on our skin?”

“Um… moving right along to some other wonderful products... the new line of shampoos which do far, far more than just clean, shape, voluminize and protect your hair! Combined use of these shampoos and conditioners leaves hair twice as shiny, twice as strong, three times more manageable and with 24-hour moisture—”

“Who measured that, Vera? Were clinical studies done? What was the criterion for ‘manageable’? Three times more manageable, sounds great, but what does that mean? Doesn’t go frizzy in the rain, or eats its vegetables and stays off the bad parts of the internet? Here we go, here’s a definition: ‘capable of being managed or controlled.’ Huh. That doesn’t really say much, does it?

So, three times more manageable would be three times more capable of being managed or controlled. OK. And 24-hour moisture—couldn’t we get the same effect of 24-hour moisture by slapping olive oil all over our heads? The oil would keep all the moisture in—”

“Now you’re just being silly, Aloe! These days we have these lovely products which can do all that without being greasy or oily, see. We’re so lucky these days! These can get your hair just as shiny as coating it with grease without coating it with grease! I don’t know why you’re being so difficult today! Aloe, why do you hate America?”