This particular column could easily have been called “Ooops, I did it again!” because I did, and I have. Stayed home that is. Once more, the dog and I have been sidelined by the weather gods, and yet another cascade of cancellations and postponements has washed over us. 

As a result, I’ve spent far too much time on the world wide web, and with NASA poised to send humans to the moon (again) for the first time since 1972, the internet is rife with conspiracy theorists, who are claiming that it never happened to begin with, and that this latest mission is “pure hokum.”

A smattering of obviously well-informed commenters on NASA’s website include a note from some genius with the initials R.J. who states that the Artemis 2, which is about to blast off for a 10-day mission to the moon is actually NASA preparing “to lock ‘astro-not’s in a room and keep them hidden at HQ.” 

Not sure if R.J. knows someone identified as “I.T.,” but she chimed in with “made in Hollywood again” and another with the initials A.T. agreed, claiming that “they finally made AI good enough to pretend to go back.” Sheesh.

It should go without saying, but the sheer magnitude of combined world governments, aided by the thousands who have worked on space programs globally, are all in cahoots to fool a trailer park full of rocket scientists is staggering, but what do I know? (I know, I lived in a trailer too.)

This latest frenzy of naysayers has impelled me to look at the history of conspiracy theories in general—and the outlandish (IMHO) thoughts that occupy the questionable minds of far too many people. 

In regards to the moon, it’s not just “fake” rocket ship missions that are in question; it’s the celestial object itself.

“Forget about moon landings being a hoax—some theorists believe ‘the moon is a hologram projected into the sky by unknown entities,’” writer Olivia Bennett shares on an amusing site called “Woke Waves” (dot com). 

“This wacky conspiracy posits that the moon we see every night isn’t a physical object but rather a sophisticated projection designed to hide something far more mysterious and sinister from human eyes.” 

Supporters believe that “the moon’s hologram is used to disguise activities such as secret bases, alien civilizations, or even inter-dimensional portals.” They argue that “the space agencies and governments of the world are in on the cover-up, perpetuating the illusion to keep the truth hidden from the general public.” Well, that makes sense.

And if you’re on board with the holographic moon theory, it’s not much of a leap to join the “flat earth” gang, a worldwide group that, shockingly, grows exponentially. I mean, why pay attention to publications like Forbes, a “global media company focusing on technology and leadership.” What do those jokers know, right? 

“Millennials in America sometimes get a bad reputation, this time for good reason,” Forbes’ Trevor Nace wrote in a 2018 article. “A recent survey found that just 66 percent of young adults aged 18 to 24 years old have ‘always believed the world is round.’” 

Additionally, according to a report released in 2014 by the National Science Foundation, 26 percent of Americans surveyed believe that the Sun revolves around the [presumably flat] Earth.” Believe it or not, those numbers have skyrocketed in recent years. 

Unsurprisingly, the chemtrail conspiracy recently reared its ugly head as I scanned Wikipedia for more info. “Also known as SLAP (Secret Large-scale Atmospheric Program), this theory alleges that water condensation trails (‘contrails’) from aircraft consist of chemical or biological agents, containing a supposedly toxic mix of aluminum, strontium and barium, under secret government policies.”

According to the Carnegie Institution for Science, “an estimated 17 percent of people globally believe the theory to be true or partly true.” That’s a staggering 1.36 billion people. 

All that said, conspiracy is not a new concept. The countless individuals and organizations that have been accused of involvement in the 1963 Kennedy assassination include the CIA, the Mafia, sitting Vice President Lyndon B. Johnson, Cuban Prime Minister Fidel Castro, the KGB or even some combination thereof. I have to allow for the possibility that this is true, I suppose. I mean, it’s easier to believe that than the “Earth is a pancake” thing.

Not all conspiracies involve life-or-death issues, including one theory which claims that “the Coca-Cola Company intentionally changed to an inferior formula with ‘New Coke,’ with the intent either of driving up demand for the original product or permitting the reintroduction of the original with a new formula using cheaper ingredients.” Coca-Cola president Donald Keough rebutted this charge: “The truth is, we’re not that dumb, and we’re not that smart.” Hmmm. 

An all-time personal favorite, which is embraced by folks who favor tinfoil hats, claims that birds aren’t real.

“Yes, you read that right,” My new BFF Olivia Bennett shares on the Woke Waves website. According to the conspiracy theory, “birds are actually government surveillance drones. This bizarre belief asserts that in the 1970s” (again with the 70’s!), “the U.S. government systematically exterminated real birds and replaced them with mechanical replicas designed to spy on citizens.”

The movement “began as a satirical campaign, but has gained a surprising amount of attention.” Proponents of this theory claim that every bird you see perched on a power line is “actually recharging, and that bird droppings are liquid tracking devices.” The theory suggests that the CIA was behind this avian replacement project, aiming to keep tabs on the population without arousing suspicion.

Advocates even point to the eerie similarity in flight patterns as evidence of drone programming. Wow, man.

A more sinister theory suggests that the “New World Order” is a group of international elites who control governments, industry and media organizations intent on carrying out secretly staged events, and to “deliberately manipulate economies.” Theorists believe that a wide range of musicians, including Beyoncé and Whitney Houston, have been associated with the “group.” That alone should give one pause. 

“Well, now I’ve done it” I groaned, while absentmindedly checking the dog for secretly implanted listening devices. “The algorithm gremlins are having a field day with my internet searches.” As Gidget pawed at me to continue scritching her, I was inundated with links, including several regarding the 1947 UFO crash in Roswell, NM, which while out of this world, seems ever-so-slightly plausible to me. 

Just yesterday, a page popped up that’s devoted to the notion that “Finland doesn’t exist” but is actually “a fictional country created by the Japanese and Soviet Union during the Cold War.” OK. Now I’m being flooded with headlines that claim “Australia is fake” and “Avril Lavigne [whoever that is] was replaced by a doppelganger,” along with multiple pages devoted to the notion that the Denver International airport is “a secret HQ for the illuminati.” Suddenly that whole “Elvis is alive” thing seems like child’s play. 

At present, I’m doing my best to avoid going down the rabbit hole of apocalyptic prophecies, particularly Christian claims about the end times, which have inspired a range of conspiracy theories, including those that cite the Antichrist, a leader who will supposedly create an oppressive world empire. “Countless figures have been called Antichrist” proclaims the almighty internet, “including Russian emperor Peter the Great, Pope John XXII, Barack Obama, U.S. President Donald Trump, French Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte, and German Führer Adolf Hitler.”

While I look forward to getting out of the house this week, I’ll never be able to unlearn that there are those who believe that John Travolta and Nicholas Cage are “time travelers.” Having worked on a film with Cage (1984’s “Racing with the Moon”) many years ago, I’m guessing that it’s probably true. I mean, c’mon—anything’s possible, right? 

Fun Fact: The iconic phrase “To the moon, Alice!” originated from the classic television show “The Honeymooners,” which aired in the 1950s. The character Ralph Kramden, played by Jackie Gleason, would often use this line as a humorous threat towards his wife Alice, portrayed by Audrey Meadows.