May 28 is National Hamburger Day, a holiday honoring America’s most beloved sandwich, even though technically, it’s not really a sandwich. It’s more of a glorious engineering project involving meat, bread, gravity, ketchup, other toppings and regret.

The hamburger has become as American as baseball, traffic jams, and arguing over who makes the best one. Mention hamburgers to a group of people and suddenly everyone becomes a food critic.

“You can’t beat charcoal grilling!”

“No, no, smash burgers!”

“You need buns!”

Meanwhile one guy in the corner quietly says, “White Castle,” and everybody stares at him like “Are you kidding me?”

Oddly enough, hamburgers probably came from Hamburg, where minced beef was popular in the 1800s. German immigrants brought “Hamburg steak” to America, where some genius looked at it and thought, “This needs bread so I can walk while eating it.”

That, friends, is the American dream.

Nobody knows who invented the actual hamburger. About seventeen towns claim credit. There are probably two villages,  a coffee shop in Texas and a butcher in Moscow, insisting they invented it during a cattle stampede in 1894.

One story says a cook slapped a beef patty between two slices of bread at a county fair because customers wanted to eat while walking. That sounds reasonable. Americans have always believed meals should be portable. If possible, we prefer eating while driving, texting and yelling at GPS directions.

The hamburger evolved quickly. First came cheese. Then bacon. Then mushrooms, onions, fried eggs, avocado, chili, pastrami, macaroni and cheese, and eventually nobody asked for.

Some restaurants now serve hamburgers so tall you need a building permit to eat them. You can’t open your mouth wide enough. The waiter brings it to the table with a steak knife stabbed through the center like Dracula was involved.

And let’s discuss toppings.

People become irrationally emotional about ketchup versus mustard. Entire friendships have ended over pickle placement.

Then there’s the healthy burger movement.

Somebody always says, “I eat turkey burgers now.”

That’s fine. But let’s be honest. A turkey burger is what happens when your doctor starts using phrases like “concerning cholesterol numbers.”

Veggie burgers are another miracle of modern science. Scientists can apparently turn beans, mushrooms, soy, carrots and something called pea protein into an object that almost tastes like meat if you close your eyes and lower your expectations.

Of course, no hamburger experience is complete without the side effects. Every burger looks innocent at first. Then 20 minutes later, you’re sitting in a recliner whispering, “I shouldn’t have had the double.”

But would we stop eating hamburgers? Never.

The hamburger is more than food. It’s comfort. It’s a backyard barbecue. It’s diners, ballparks, road trips, and summer afternoons with grease running down your shirt while pretending napkins are optional.

So, this National Hamburger Day, fire up the grill, stack on the toppings, and celebrate the meal that proved Americans could improve anything simply by adding bread.