Resolutions you can keep in 2017

I've given you all TEN FULL DAYS. 

Have you realized that you've lost your hopes and dreams of 2017 resolutions? No? Yeah, ok... I'll believe that. 

Resolutions are for suckers. You try and try, and might make it for the first week, or hell, even a month... but eventually we all end up in the corner sucking our thumb like a baby and crying out the name of our pet goldfish from when we were 6. 

Screw all that. Im here with a list you can actually do. Ready?

I've visually created some resolutions you can seriously deal with and do. 


And if those aren't enough... I'm gonna share more right here so you have a resolution you can keep all year long!

  1. Don't let anything get in the way (of eating an entire pint of ice cream)
  2. Read more books takeout menus
  3. Trim   nose and ear hairs
  4. Try to come up with a password more creative than "Password"
  5. Press the stewardess' button on an airplane just to be able to get her digits
  6. Stop thinking that pickup lines work
  7. Sit in the bedroom all day in a nightshirt rather than doing so in the living room
  8. Leave it until tomorrow.
  9. Hit that snooze button.
  10. Yell at that old woman in traffic even though she’s 97 and probably doesn’t even know that she’s driving.
  11. Go for that weird thing with your hair. No one cares what you look like anyhow. SERIOUSLY.
  12. Reply to a text with more than one word. LOL
  13. Remember to brush teeth with bristly end of the toothbrush.
  14. Drive closer to the speed limit.
  15. Watch more TV. It's very educational. Catch up on all those programs you missed through the years.
  16. Drink more. Wasn't it Benjamin Franklin who said, beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy? So be happy.
  17. Play more computer games. Studies have shown that they improve visual skills, reflexes, and dexterity
  18. Only eat white snow from now on.
  19. Help kids stay safe by not texting on a cell phone while eating McDonald’s and speeding through crosswalks in school zones with a frost covered windshield.


Here are some things you can resolve not to do:

  1. Run while juggling knives
  2. Play with matches at a gas station
  3. Shower while making toast on the edge of the bathtub
  4. Try to remember if it is drink 13 or 14 that clearly gets you wasted
  5. Consider apple martinis part of a "daily fruit intake"
  6. Drink paint thinner while smoking a cigarette
  7. Play baseball with a hand grenade and a loaded rocket launcher
  8. Consider the feelings of others when they obviously don't care about yours
  9. Don't bore your boss with the same ole excuses. Think up some new ones. 
  10. Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  11. Blaming the dog for farting
  12. drinking orange juice after you just brushed your teeth

There now... 2017 is going to be a great year for you. I just know it!


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