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The worst (best) column he (we) ever wrote

Contributed photo

May 22, 2013

Zac: “This is perhaps the fastest column I have ever written. I am currently traveling over 80 mph down I-76 headed east.”

Rabi: “When you say you are the one writing this, isn’t that a little misleading?”

Zac: “Why?”

Rabi: “Because I’m the one actually writing it.”

Zac: “Well, I am dictating while driving. But whatever. Change it to we if you want to.”

Rabi: “I will.”

Zac: “Actually, the first thing I would like to do is thank my good friend, Rabi, without whose assistance this column (perhaps the best I have ever written) would not be possible. I am overjoyed he has agreed to offer his insight, unrivalled wit and handsome chiseled features… Are you writing exactly what I am saying?”

“Yes, of course. ‘Road trip.’ ‘Somewhere in the middle of Pennsylvania.’ ‘Hurtling fast down the highway.’ This is great stuff.”

“Over the past 53 hours, we have visited five separate rest stops to fill up on 49 gallons of gas, stayed in two equally strange motels, spent $9 dollars on scratch cards (we won nothing), and we have driven close to 1,000 miles; actually, change that to ‘I have driven close to 1,000 miles.’”


“I did all the driving.”

“No you didn’t.”

“Except for the mile and a half when you drove from the hotel to Pizza Hut, I did all the driving.”

“It’s quality, not quantity.”

“Fine, change it to, ‘I drove 999 miles and you drove one.’”


“Actually this could be a good moment to transition. I did want to talk about how hard it is to eat healthy on the road.”

“That’s no good.”

“What do you mean?”

“You can’t say ‘eat healthy.’ You want to modify the verb so you need to say ‘eat healthily,’ unless your readership finds your blind stabs at English grammar amusing.”

“Well, I wouldn’t say it like that anyway. It would be more like, ‘We left New York with healthy aspirations. Our car was to be a haven of vital morsels and nutritious nibbles, a cornucopia of granola and dried fruit, awash with yogurt flowing from the front to back seats.’”

“That’s gross.”

“You get the point. We started out healthy, but our decline was swift and cruel. Three hours in, we were devouring Burger King. It was all downhill from there and a mere five minutes ago we threw away a mass of junk food wrappers: Funions, beef jerky, ice-cream-cookie sandwiches, honey roasted peanuts, Goldfish.”

“Actually, peanuts are quite healthy.”